Sadness

I am sad. So frickin sad.  When I was little I would scream into my pillow or write a crappy poem that my mom would let me burn to help release my feelings. Now I guess I will blog. Have you ever had a feeling that is so overwhelming that it cripples you, and yet this remarkably strong feeling has no name, no definition? You just want to cry so you do, but nothing changes, you are still sad but now you are wet, and your face is puffy. I don’t want to get into it but let’s just say I have not always been this sad. Something happened and I can’t get over it. It is slowly destroying my life. Even at my happiest moments this demon creeps in and reminds of what could have been. As the keyboard gets hazy through my tears I wonder if this will help.  I am not looking for condolences; I just need to scream, so this blog is my pillow. Mommies can’t break down, we stay strong, and we smile. I have made the mistake of letting Daily see me cry. It upsets her and it is hard for me to explain to her what is wrong with mommy, so I lie. I tell her mommy is OK, and I smile. Then I write, “Dear diary, what is wrong with me?”  So today I publish my diary, I don’t know why.